Sometimes I get tired.
Tired of everything. Like, I don't even know why I try.
It's almost always about guys. Or a guy.
The fact that I'm single as fuck.
The fact that you used to talk to me and now you don't.
The fact that I feel so hopelessly alone and sometimes nothing seems worth it.
I always overreact though.
ex: I send a text message. 30 minutes later, still no response. I immediately assume that whomever I texted hates me and wishes that I would just disappear because I'm the most annoying thing on the planet.
Also, I've realized that I fall so fast.
Like, literally, all you have to do is be semi-attractive and give me 10 minutes of your time and I will fall hopelessly in love with you. It's kind of a curse.
Clearly of desperation.
It just really sucks because I've had a guy like me and it was really awesome because I liked him too and we were cute together and dslkfja;dlfkjakjfhk.
I'm so lonely and it's so completely pathetic. The problem (well, one of them) is that I go to such a small school and hate pretty much everyone there and it just epically sucks. Like, I don't even have a reliable girl best friend, and my guy best friend has other issues most of the time or he'll just be like, "You're so perfect and one day the perfect guy will come around." I don't even want the perfect guy right now. I just want someone. Someone to hold my hand. Someone to hang out with me. Someone to act cute with.
It just makes me incredibly depressed to realize that I don't have someone who truly knows me or cares to find out who I am.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
A Random Glance into All of My Problems
Sometimes, I just wonder, why? Why am I here? What do I have to keep going for? It's sad because often times I can't find an answer to my questions. I don't know...I just get really depressed and wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up. It's not that I would actively try to bring about my end, but rather, if something bad were to happen to me, I might just let it. I don't know if I'd have the willpower to stop it. I don't know if I'd even want to.
My friends are drifting farther and farther away. Take my best friend, for example. He's applied for this big boarding school that both his older brother and sister went to. One of them now goes to NYU and the other goes to NC State. He doesn't know whether he'll go or not, and, to be completely honest, I'm terrified that he will. Since, the spring season started up, we haven't been able to talk as much and he doesn't text me back anymore. He is one of my best friends. We don't even know everything about each other, but all I know is that I love him from the bottom of my heart and I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm terrified of losing him because he gives my life one of its few bright spots in an otherwise cloudy sky.
My other guy best friend. He's happily in a relationship with this girl at my school and because of that, no longer has time for me. We don't talk even close to as much as we used to and I really miss him. He's been in and out of a relationship with this girl about 3 times and I just really don't want him to get hurt again. Either way, he seems happy enough this time, but it's different now. I can't just relay whatever issues of the day anymore because then his girlfriend might get jealous because we talk or whatever... I don't know, but we're probably not gonna talk as much anymore until he's single again. I'm okay.
And then, my girl best friend. Do you ever have those friends where, you can treat them one way, but they can treat you a different way? Well, she's like that. It's so frustrating because she can be a total and complete bitch to me, but as soon as I snap right back at her, she gets defensive and even more pissy. I swear, someone needs to teach that girl a lesson one day. I love her to death, but we're not even that close. I couldn't talk to her like I could talk to either of my guy best friends. It's sad, but I don't know if I could ever trust her with anything. Our relationship is weird. It's like, to everyone else, we seems super close, but in reality, we're not at all.
Getting up in the mornings is overall an awful ordeal. It's not even that I'm that tired. I just absolutely dread going to school. I hate the people there. I hate the buildings. I hate the classes, the books, the teachers, everything. Everyone there makes me anxious, like I can't be myself. I've stopped eating lunch. I think it's because...
I actually am not really sure why.
Sometimes I think that it's because I'm trying to be skinnier. I think that is what it is a lot of the times, but there's something else. I'm not sure...
Anyways, I really hate school. I could care less about what people did on the weekend, or the movie they saw last night, or who's going with whom to this month's dance. Like, I just don't give a damn. Not to sound cocky or arrogant, but I just don't find stupid little things like that academically or intellectually challenging. I'd rather talk about something of substance than argue about hair accessories. I don't know, that's just me.
Sorry that today's blog was pretty long. If you read all of it, I applaud you. If not, then why are you reading this? Whatever. It's my life and I'm gonna blog it.
My friends are drifting farther and farther away. Take my best friend, for example. He's applied for this big boarding school that both his older brother and sister went to. One of them now goes to NYU and the other goes to NC State. He doesn't know whether he'll go or not, and, to be completely honest, I'm terrified that he will. Since, the spring season started up, we haven't been able to talk as much and he doesn't text me back anymore. He is one of my best friends. We don't even know everything about each other, but all I know is that I love him from the bottom of my heart and I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm terrified of losing him because he gives my life one of its few bright spots in an otherwise cloudy sky.
My other guy best friend. He's happily in a relationship with this girl at my school and because of that, no longer has time for me. We don't talk even close to as much as we used to and I really miss him. He's been in and out of a relationship with this girl about 3 times and I just really don't want him to get hurt again. Either way, he seems happy enough this time, but it's different now. I can't just relay whatever issues of the day anymore because then his girlfriend might get jealous because we talk or whatever... I don't know, but we're probably not gonna talk as much anymore until he's single again. I'm okay.
And then, my girl best friend. Do you ever have those friends where, you can treat them one way, but they can treat you a different way? Well, she's like that. It's so frustrating because she can be a total and complete bitch to me, but as soon as I snap right back at her, she gets defensive and even more pissy. I swear, someone needs to teach that girl a lesson one day. I love her to death, but we're not even that close. I couldn't talk to her like I could talk to either of my guy best friends. It's sad, but I don't know if I could ever trust her with anything. Our relationship is weird. It's like, to everyone else, we seems super close, but in reality, we're not at all.
Getting up in the mornings is overall an awful ordeal. It's not even that I'm that tired. I just absolutely dread going to school. I hate the people there. I hate the buildings. I hate the classes, the books, the teachers, everything. Everyone there makes me anxious, like I can't be myself. I've stopped eating lunch. I think it's because...
I actually am not really sure why.
Sometimes I think that it's because I'm trying to be skinnier. I think that is what it is a lot of the times, but there's something else. I'm not sure...
Anyways, I really hate school. I could care less about what people did on the weekend, or the movie they saw last night, or who's going with whom to this month's dance. Like, I just don't give a damn. Not to sound cocky or arrogant, but I just don't find stupid little things like that academically or intellectually challenging. I'd rather talk about something of substance than argue about hair accessories. I don't know, that's just me.
Sorry that today's blog was pretty long. If you read all of it, I applaud you. If not, then why are you reading this? Whatever. It's my life and I'm gonna blog it.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Moms, What a Wonderful Thing
I'm so glad that I have someone as caring and amazing as my mom.
Moms are amazing.
They juggle everything and still look good (usually).
I don't know how she does it. She's in the military and still manages with two kids, a dog, and a husband who is also in the military. Although sometimes frazzled, she always tries her best.
Even if she yells at you about something serious or not, she always comes back to comfort you. I'm just glad my own mother is so understanding.
Seriously though. If I were her I would've killed me at least a dozen times, if not more.
I guess what I'm saying is, thank you Mama. I love you so very much and I always will, even if I don't always show it.
Moms are amazing.
They juggle everything and still look good (usually).
I don't know how she does it. She's in the military and still manages with two kids, a dog, and a husband who is also in the military. Although sometimes frazzled, she always tries her best.
Even if she yells at you about something serious or not, she always comes back to comfort you. I'm just glad my own mother is so understanding.
Seriously though. If I were her I would've killed me at least a dozen times, if not more.
I guess what I'm saying is, thank you Mama. I love you so very much and I always will, even if I don't always show it.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
You're Beautiful
So I've been wondering what it would feel like if I wasn't me.
Have you ever thought about that?
Not having the same home, family, friends...
You could be someone else. Someone you think is better, with more money, more friends, more fun. Someone who could do whatever they wanted without a care in the world.
Or you could be someone from the slums. No money. No friends. No family. A struggle just to survive.
Imagine yourself in either situation. How would you fare? If you had a lot of money, what would you do with it? Would you spend it on alcohol, party, and wake up not remembering where you are? Or would you try to devote yourself to charity and helping the less fortunate? If you had no money, how would you survive? Would you find a job and do everything possible to fix your life? Or would you steal and wither away simply because you couldn't handle it?
I don't know... Just some food for thought.
Point being, no matter where you are in your life, just be glad you're you. No one else can accomplish that because you are special. The person you are is the only person in the entire world and time who will ever be exactly like that. You are unique and special. If anyone tells you otherwise, they're wrong.
Have you ever thought about that?
Not having the same home, family, friends...
You could be someone else. Someone you think is better, with more money, more friends, more fun. Someone who could do whatever they wanted without a care in the world.
Or you could be someone from the slums. No money. No friends. No family. A struggle just to survive.
Imagine yourself in either situation. How would you fare? If you had a lot of money, what would you do with it? Would you spend it on alcohol, party, and wake up not remembering where you are? Or would you try to devote yourself to charity and helping the less fortunate? If you had no money, how would you survive? Would you find a job and do everything possible to fix your life? Or would you steal and wither away simply because you couldn't handle it?
I don't know... Just some food for thought.
Point being, no matter where you are in your life, just be glad you're you. No one else can accomplish that because you are special. The person you are is the only person in the entire world and time who will ever be exactly like that. You are unique and special. If anyone tells you otherwise, they're wrong.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Take a Second Look
Sometimes I wonder how people can be so blind.
You can walk into the school, a frown on your face and tears in your eyes, and no one will say a thing.
You could also walk in with a huge smile and your eyes lit up like fireflies, and still no one will say anything.
Even people as close to you as your parents may miss something. For example:
I get home. I drop my bookbag onto the floor with a loud thump. I get something to eat, and I go run upstairs into my room and shut the door.
This may seem ordinary, but it's so bad for you. Don't your parents ever wonder, "hey, where's my kid? They've been home for 4 hours and I haven't seen them."
I'm just saying, but this happens every day and it's not good for a strong family relationship.
But I digress...
As someone suffering from suicidal thoughts at times and severe anxiety, it amazes me how oblivious some people are.
I've never gone to a doctor or anything for my anxiety, but I know I have it. I get panic attacks and freak out every other day. I wouldn't lie about something like that because it's not a joke, and it's not fun to deal with at all.
It just amazes me how my parents don't seem to notice this at all though. I have cuts and bruises on my arms and legs because I'll get frustrated and take it out on myself.
I just don't understand how people can be so blind.
You can walk into the school, a frown on your face and tears in your eyes, and no one will say a thing.
You could also walk in with a huge smile and your eyes lit up like fireflies, and still no one will say anything.
Even people as close to you as your parents may miss something. For example:
I get home. I drop my bookbag onto the floor with a loud thump. I get something to eat, and I go run upstairs into my room and shut the door.
This may seem ordinary, but it's so bad for you. Don't your parents ever wonder, "hey, where's my kid? They've been home for 4 hours and I haven't seen them."
I'm just saying, but this happens every day and it's not good for a strong family relationship.
But I digress...
As someone suffering from suicidal thoughts at times and severe anxiety, it amazes me how oblivious some people are.
I've never gone to a doctor or anything for my anxiety, but I know I have it. I get panic attacks and freak out every other day. I wouldn't lie about something like that because it's not a joke, and it's not fun to deal with at all.
It just amazes me how my parents don't seem to notice this at all though. I have cuts and bruises on my arms and legs because I'll get frustrated and take it out on myself.
I just don't understand how people can be so blind.
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