Sometimes, I just wonder, why? Why am I here? What do I have to keep going for? It's sad because often times I can't find an answer to my questions. I don't know...I just get really depressed and wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up. It's not that I would actively try to bring about my end, but rather, if something bad were to happen to me, I might just let it. I don't know if I'd have the willpower to stop it. I don't know if I'd even want to.
My friends are drifting farther and farther away. Take my best friend, for example. He's applied for this big boarding school that both his older brother and sister went to. One of them now goes to NYU and the other goes to NC State. He doesn't know whether he'll go or not, and, to be completely honest, I'm terrified that he will. Since, the spring season started up, we haven't been able to talk as much and he doesn't text me back anymore. He is one of my best friends. We don't even know everything about each other, but all I know is that I love him from the bottom of my heart and I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm terrified of losing him because he gives my life one of its few bright spots in an otherwise cloudy sky.
My other guy best friend. He's happily in a relationship with this girl at my school and because of that, no longer has time for me. We don't talk even close to as much as we used to and I really miss him. He's been in and out of a relationship with this girl about 3 times and I just really don't want him to get hurt again. Either way, he seems happy enough this time, but it's different now. I can't just relay whatever issues of the day anymore because then his girlfriend might get jealous because we talk or whatever... I don't know, but we're probably not gonna talk as much anymore until he's single again. I'm okay.
And then, my girl best friend. Do you ever have those friends where, you can treat them one way, but they can treat you a different way? Well, she's like that. It's so frustrating because she can be a total and complete bitch to me, but as soon as I snap right back at her, she gets defensive and even more pissy. I swear, someone needs to teach that girl a lesson one day. I love her to death, but we're not even that close. I couldn't talk to her like I could talk to either of my guy best friends. It's sad, but I don't know if I could ever trust her with anything. Our relationship is weird. It's like, to everyone else, we seems super close, but in reality, we're not at all.
Getting up in the mornings is overall an awful ordeal. It's not even that I'm that tired. I just absolutely dread going to school. I hate the people there. I hate the buildings. I hate the classes, the books, the teachers, everything. Everyone there makes me anxious, like I can't be myself. I've stopped eating lunch. I think it's because...
I actually am not really sure why.
Sometimes I think that it's because I'm trying to be skinnier. I think that is what it is a lot of the times, but there's something else. I'm not sure...
Anyways, I really hate school. I could care less about what people did on the weekend, or the movie they saw last night, or who's going with whom to this month's dance. Like, I just don't give a damn. Not to sound cocky or arrogant, but I just don't find stupid little things like that academically or intellectually challenging. I'd rather talk about something of substance than argue about hair accessories. I don't know, that's just me.
Sorry that today's blog was pretty long. If you read all of it, I applaud you. If not, then why are you reading this? Whatever. It's my life and I'm gonna blog it.
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